● The Dom – A Master – The Loving Dominant – 3 essays

                               The DOM                                                  RS Aug 09

Above all else he cherishes his submissive, in the knowledge that the gift she gives him is the greatest of all. He can be demanding at times and may take full advantage of the power given to him, but knows how to share the pleasure and show the respect that comes from that precious gift. 

He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may guide his sub to new areas of arousal and pleasure. As a firm Dom, he can cause his sub to shed real tears, not from pain but wanting to please him because she is always pleased and taken care of by him.. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character. His goal is never to hurt but to be able to control their emotional situations.

In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind, to be  a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask a submissive to put him before her career, or family, just to satisfy his own pleasure. He is kind and wise.                                        

To win the mind of his submissive, body and soul, he knows he must first win her trust and heart. He will show his submissive humor, kindness, and warmth.   He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can respect,  learn from,  and  trust his direction.     .

He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, he will fight for his ladies’ honor. He proves to her that he is someone she can lean on,  and depend on.  He makes her feel safe.  He is old-fashioned enough to be a bit of a chauvinist, yet modern enough to respect his woman. Quick to point out the differences between them, he also knows there is no inferiority in those differences.    

When it comes time to teach his submissive her lessons of obedience, he is a strong and unyielding professor. Never talking down to her but always being careful  with not only what is said– but how it is said and what effect that will have  on her. And any discipline is always followed by forgiveness and love and then we move on.  

He is a careful guide, with safety always his main concern. He knows how to use the “outskirts” of pain to extend the bounds of pleasure. He is a mentor who can bring her to the edges of her envelope, and gently show her the inner  courage to reach new heights. He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they.  

He never has to demand ritual behavior by her. She responds to him out the  desire, and need, of pleasing him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body, and never violates the trust given to him.  

He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Open minded enough to learn new things and strong enough to grow  His tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, paddle and blindfold. He understands  that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love is the only binding that truly holds.

Do you want the training of a caring Master?                            
Remember- -the only way a Master can lead is if his sub follows willingly.     .
We both have to give to each other completely                  .  .                     
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The BAD Side. There are so many ‘wanna-be’s’ in the lifestyle’,  insecure men who  are nothing more than bullies preying on weak women. They should all be ashamed. This is never about hitting or beating or  in any way being disrespectful of a woman. This way of life is not the freakish, public humiliation, walk someone  on a leash down the street or swinging parties. If you want to strictly swing,fine; this however, is something completely different. This is a precious gift  given by both to each other and shared in private —  a wonderful shared secret.
                                   …..  …….                 ~ Mature & Secure~
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 A  Master                                  {source unknown}

He is a dominant man, a strong man. He has confidence and control of Himself, as well as a position in society and life. He knows what He wants from His submissive and life. He is independent, has goals and dreams and follows them. He stands up for His beliefs. He is an individual and leader. 

He respects women and cherishes his chosen submissive. He understands, cares, loves and revels in her presence. He is intelligent, teaching her with understanding and patience. He slowly possesses her. He gently opens her mind to a new world. He always shows her that she is strong, that her limits may not be what she believes they are–taking her further than her dreams had previously known, while enabling her confidence and self-esteem.

He cherishes, cares, protects, and loves her. When she is ill, He cares for her. When she is exhausted he lets her rest, stroking her hair as she drifts off to sleep. He will comfort her when she needs it, calming her fears and emotions. He guides, nurtures, and inspires.

He knows her, possibly better than she knows herself. Her mind is His to know and to expand. He sees into her heart and soul and holds them in His hands. She is His — heart, mind, soul and body. She places herself in His care, and becomes His most valued possession.

He does not take away her identity or spirit, but allows her to grow and prosper as her own being. He will mold her into what He thinks she should be but allows her the freedom to grow and live under his loving care. She becomes the woman she always been with deep within her spirit.

“What about discipline and punishment?” you ask. To be handed out firmly but lovingly. He will never punish in anger. He is her teacher and trainer; anger has no place when he disciplines her. Punishment doesn’t have to physical —it can be psychological.     He does not do it to be harsh or to hurt her, but out of love, devotion and forgiveness. 

Her submission to Him is not out of fear for punishment, but out of love, respect, and trust. She radiates under His love and guidance. She has given Him the gift of her soul, mind and body. He takes her gift of submission seriously, knows it is special and rare– It is not given freely to All or lightly to any.
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The Loving Dominant

There is more to being a Dominant than wearing a title, carrying a crop, giving orders or dressing the part. While all of the former might have a role to play in presenting oneself as a possible Dominant – of looking the part, so to speak – they have little to do with what actually defines a Dominant. This is something that by-and-large comes from within; like any skill, the basics can be learned, and the ability grown and nurtured through immersion in the scene and developed by learning from those well-versed in the lifestyle. 

But just like any other skill or ability, how well one succeeds comes down to how willing and receptive one is to learning or being taught – and how well one’s talent and temperament are suited to taking on a Dominant role.  It is easy to slap on a title and swagger around in role-play barking orders, trying to subdue submissives but even in the most uncomplicated of role-play scenarios, there is no substitute for understanding the nuances of domination and exhibiting the traits that define a “good” Dominant. 

So, what are the characteristics that make up a “good” Dominant? What should someone unfamiliar with the scene and who wishes to move beyond “simple” role-play look for in others or seek to aspire?  Simply put, a good Dominant is someone who possesses the very qualities we would ascribe to a “good person”: kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. 

A good Dominant, like a “good person” has a strong sense of ethics and honesty and is respectful of others regardless of their position in life .It is these qualities, more than anything else, that define a person’s character and personality, and are the essential skills that determine how good a person is liable to be in anything – be it their career, their home life – or “being” a Dominant.

As I mentioned above, that art of domination is very much a skill, and as such “good” Dominants tend to show a willingness to learn, to grow and to understand; they are on a journey as much as any submissive can be said to be on a journey. They have taken the time and effort to learn and grow; and if one wants to gain the respect of subs, then one should take the time to understand D/s and BDSM and apply the qualities mentioned above throughout their dealings as a whole. 

Dominant, not domineering The good Dominant takes responsibility for the submissive in his life. Yes, the subs are controlled and dominated – but the Dominant remains at all times empathic towards her and sympathetic to her needs, in full understanding that for any submissive to give her best, she must be secure and confident in her submission. 

There is one thing a good Dominant is not – and that is domineering. Sadly, as is often the case in real life, there are those who mistake a domineering approach as a key element of being seen as a “Dominant”. Their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. 

Where the Dominant will demonstrate respect, understanding and self-control, the domineering individual will demand that they are given respect, will show a lack of understanding of basic D/s precepts and exhibit a lack of self-discipline, resorting to inappropriate actions and / or threats towards submissives.

A Dominant exercises control not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple quality of showing he cares. While a Dominant is both authoritarian and powerful, he is ever mindful of exercising care and consideration for his sub as well. 

Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by his empathy towards those in his care, being able to step back from authority and become a loving dominant – providing the necessary care, love and confidence to the sub when such are needed as a result of external pressures in real life –or indeed, from pressures that can arise within playing itself. 

D/s flows from the foundations of trust and communication – and a good Dominant is someone who can instill the former and actively encourages the latter. He will listen to his submissive and learn about her and her needs /hopes /desires. How this knowledge is used, or returned to the relationships remains the prerogative of the Dominant; but if the communications are not there from start, then things are already starting to stray towards rocky ground. 

All relationships mature and change over time, and healthy D/s relationships are no different. Thus it is important that the channels of communication, once opened, are maintained and renewed throughout the relationship, so that any changes can be discussed and dealt with openly and without rancour or upset – and the responsibility for seeing this is the case lies with the Dominant. 

In this, the Dominant should also be something of a diplomat, seeking to ensure such communications are open and honest – and also seeking to avoid unnecessary arguments and disagreements; instead working to arbitrate situations or prevent a disagreement from growing out-of-hand.

 Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended – for it is to emotional harm that we are all most vulnerable within D/s.   We are real people with real feelings and emotional needs and vulnerabilities. Those who repeatedly strike at these vulnerabilities or who seek to exploit them are not good Dominants, they are abusers, pure and simple.

Given all of the above, can the “good” Dominant actually exist? They not only can– they do.
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